Category: Uncategorized

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Not a Fairytale

I look into your eyes
And I know now is the time
The white teeth of life’s smile
Sometimes do tarnish with a grime
The two of us played parts
In the story of You and Me
But, a twist in plot has made clear:
It’s not a fairytale, actually
One last kiss for your cheek,
Finding the strength to say “Goodbye”
I look back at a dream we knotted
And manage to untie

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*Just a little something I wrote down for a friend who thought she had something more than what she really did. Keep on going. I think your strength is beautiful. xo Z

Since returning from my trip to NYC, I have found myself feeling lethargic and aimless at times. Not necessarily depressed, but just in a bit of a funk. The feeling has somewhat subsided the past couple of days, but still has left its debris.

Perhaps, I have realized it will be quite a while before I see my friends in the city again. Again, we have to rely on Facetime, calls, texts, etc. to cope. As long as my trip felt, it is never truly long enough. I have even gone so far, in the past, as to stare at walls, attempting to slow down time during a vacation. But, it never truly works. Longing to go back to a vacation is like the hangover to a night of excessive drinking: An inevitable drawback.

Perhaps, I don’t have any immediate trips planned, to dangle in front of my face like a carrot, when the days get long and grueling. The past few days have had their tough parts. I have had to remind myself that I come from a family of very hard workers and sometimes we just have to roll up our sleeves. When it comes to needing a carrot of a trip planned, I do know in my heart that I will get back to my friends eventually and I’m sure I will have another adventure planned soon enough. I definitely found myself thinking about the beach on a few occasions today. Something to plan and dream about…

I have been thinking a lot lately about how important it is to try to be happy where ever we are. I don’t want my time being wasted on believing things will be awesome “When…” and I want the replacement to be things will be awesome “Even when…” I can’t say that I’m there yet, but moments of being happy just where I am do emerge from time to time and these are the moments I cherish the most. More please.

 

The weather in NYC has been lovely for midday wanders the past couple days. I have been going down old, familiar streets and seeing places I used to love to hang out and some I used to love to avoid. There is something so satisfying about knowing there is nowhere to go and no one to see for at least enough time to meander and gather thoughts, on an adventure of sorts. My plans for this evening were canceled and it allowed for extra time to go to Prospect Park with my friend Alyssa and her baby who I call “Girl” out of love. We had a great time and conversation and even realized we had managed to get a little exercise out of the deal.

When I got back to my friend’s apartment, I needed something out of my suitcase. So, I grabbed it and set it on her bed and started searching for what I needed. I found it. When I zipped around the outside of the shell and started to put it back against the wall, I started thinking.

My parents bought me the suitcase when I graduated either high school or college — I can’t remember which and it’s not pertinent here. But, I realized that I have gotten a lot of use out of the gift and I am very grateful. What a great gift to receive! Words cannot express how much I love to travel and I am already planning my next trip out of the country with friends. My passport and my suitcase are two of my favorite possessions because of what they represent.

Clearly, I am one who loves to be on an adventure and I just cannot imagine being any other way. I have certain people in my life who I wish traveled more often, but perhaps leaving home and staying local is a preference I just don’t happen to have in common with them. Which is ok! I am just happy that one of my loves in life rewards me with the capability of seeing so many friends and family members whose faces I wish I could see every day. These faces are definitely worth traveling to.

That being said, I have to run. I have a few faces I need to see tonight and hope will light up when they see mine, too. 

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Here is a little something I jotted down on a napkin during my flight here:

Such a very long way 
Left to go
Places unseen,
Destination unknown
Continuing on a winding,
One-way road
Stopping only for coffee
In get there mode

 

After a busy work day and week, I am very excited to get my things together and gear up for a visit to my dear neighborhood in Brooklyn. I cannot wait to see my friends and just walk around and be thankful to be back. Also, there is definitely a bagel or two in the horizon. It feels like I’m going to a summer home!

These are strange days for me in terms of deciding what “home” means and where it lives. I think the meaning of the word must be somewhat flexible, but I have been trying to figure out if it could be polygamous in nature for some people. Can a person have multiple homes and really love them all? I definitely have love in my heart for more than one location.

Sometimes I feel like such a gypsy and I know that there is definitely a part of me that loves to be on the run, wheeling a suitcase or hauling a large backpack. Having a place to hang your hat also has its appeal.

I don’t know exactly what the future will bring and I don’t know that anyone does. Maybe I’ll figure it all out on a wander around 18th St. and 5th Ave. in a couple days.

Z

A girl popped into my head earlier this week. I remembered her face so well. Even details about what she went on to do after we finished our seasonal work as actors many winters ago were standing by, ready to be accessed in my brain. What was not there was the brunette’s damn name.

I even phoned a friend (via text) and asked for help, but no such luck. My friend didn’t even remember the girl at all. I searched Facebook. I said names aloud, hoping they would stick and make me exclaim, “Oh, yeah! Her name was Bianca!!” Nothing was working. It was not coming.

Finally, the name popped into my head. Such a normal name and nothing like some of the exotic ones that were dancing around. I felt such a sense of relief when her name arrived.

The experience made me think about creativity and how frustrating it can be when it just doesn’t seem to want to come. Writer’s block or lack of inspiration is every creative person’s annoyance. Even more annoying than being unable to remember a name.

I remembered an old journal entry from years ago after a night of wine, chat, and all of that with a dear friend. Here is the entry:

10/09/11

Liz and I had, yet, another fabulous night. We discussed the Muse and I went back, in my mind, to the cat I saw the other day on 8^th St. with a dead rat in its mouth. Growing up, I remember outdoor cats bringing old dead things to my aunt’s doorstep and leaving them on the mat, as if to say, “Thanks for loving me. Keep doing it.” It was like the cat believed my aunt was going to take the dead thing inside and cook it up for supper. Super cute. If only we could bring a dead rat or similar offering to the doorstep of the Muse to ensure it would always open its door and bring the love. Creativity feels like a stream — unseen beginning and ending — until its flow takes a break. I want to be a vessel for creativity to flow through for the rest of my days and I know Liz and I would gladly slaughter any rat to be one. z

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Here in South Georgia, I have been spending a lot of time outside. My friends up north are all freezing their behinds off, while I have my feet up, swinging on the porch swing. But, I don’t feel guilty. Everyone knows I prefer warmer weather.

When wandering or gazing around, I think it is important to look up. Although, looking down also brings occasional treasures. Here is something I jotted down the other day, looking up:

The Tree in Me

Deep in me, 
There stands a tree
With roots gripped tight,
A trunk steady,
Branches extended
And leaves so bright—
In dirt, endures,
Through day and night

 

mr. yellow

oh, how I miss
mr. yellow
it seems he left
after “hello”
streets are now white
bleak, forbidden
if he’d come back
i’d forgive him
oh, how i miss
mr. yellow

 

My favorite dice made of green onyx fell off the cabinet in the bathroom this morning and broke. When I picked it up, I noticed the chipped side was number 6, my favorite. I had gone to the bathroom to finish getting ready after seeing an eyewitness on the news for some disturbing story who looked exactly like Liza Minnelli. Of course, I was singing “Maybe this Time” from Cabaret, while spraying some hair down. Something great was bound to happen today and I was sure of it. I decided that I must play the lottery on the way to work and needed to leave early to get my tickets. I scratched and lost.

I made it to work. I had had a not-so-great day yesterday and the feeling that I would never catch up was prevalent throughout my morning. Today, when I arrived, I quickly noticed a large stack of files already completed. My mother and I currently work together and she was sitting behind that stack with a look on her face that let me know she knew I would be pleased. She had taken the time to help catch me up. Compared to the feeling that I had the day before, today I had won the lottery at work. I was ahead of the game and feeling shiny.

When I left work, I stopped by my friend Nicole’s to pick up something silly. During our brief visit, we had an inevitable beer and started talking about gratitude. Nicole said at one point,

“The magic of every day is the fact that expressing gratitude brings us happiness.”

Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves and each other to focus on what we are fortunate to have and it is amazing how quickly everything shifts inside. I know how lucky I am to have the family and friends I have and I would never trade them for anything or anyone in the world. Perhaps, it’s something to be learned when we are older and wiser, but it is an extremely important lesson.

We went on talking about being grateful and how it makes our lives complete. While Nicole discussed how much she prefers the gift of a heartfelt letter over anything material, I reached in and grabbed some of Sarah’s beef she had cooked in a stew for Nicole’s sister Meghan and her husband, who just had a little baby named Bo. As I chowed down, I realized how lucky Meghan and we all are to have each other in our tight-knit friend group (appropriately called the “Trailer Park Posse”). Sarah didn’t even mind that I sampled her cooking and even reached in and grabbed another chunk of meat for me. Nicole is blessed to live with and love such a great cook.

I would like to dedicate this post to Nicole, who always seems to find the right words and always finds the magic in every day. After our talk, I have focused on my own gratitude. I am one lucky guy. I might not have won the lottery in terms of winning cash from my tickets bought at the BP gas station today, but I have already won in SO MANY other ways.

This post will serve as more of a vent. I just broke one of my favorite framed pictures. This is kind of a big deal.

The feeling that often emerges once something special is broken is not enjoyable and is an emotional roller coaster for me. What becomes imminent is to remind myself that the item can be replaced if that is true (*in this case, it is!) and to remind myself that it is best that I am the culprit here — no one else to hang!

The truth is, in terms of personal belongings, I am sorta all over the place right now. I am internally and externally living out of a suitcase and the overall feeling of it can really take its toll. Especially when there is the glass of a special frame to be shattered.

For now, I am going to choose to breathe and keep taking everything one day at a time. My mother has always said to “Build a bridge and get over it.” I am going to clean up this glass now and do just that. Hopefully, the grass is greener and the glass is cleaner on the other side.